Couples Therapy

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”. (Anais Nin)


When to seek couples therapy?

There are different reasons that bring couples to therapy, and not all of them are to work on the relationship. Some couples come simply because their partner has insisted. Others come to seek confirmation from the therapist that their partner is the problem. Some want to prove they were right all along, or that the relationship has no chance of working.  The first thing we do is find out if both partners want therapy for their relationship and if so, we attend to their respective level of commitment to working on their relationship.  

There are also couples who choose therapy because they both want to work on their relationship for various reasons. 

Here are some common relationship themes that I work with:

  • You no longer know who you are, who your partner is or who you are together; 
  • You don’t understand each other and talking doesn’t help any more either;
  • You don’t feel seen or valued by your partner;
  • You feel lonely in your relationship;
  • You’re constantly bickering or arguing over seemingly trivial things; the tension keeps growing;
  • You want to learn to argue in a way your partner can listen;
  • You’ve stopped talking altogether and leading separate lives;
  • The gap between you both is growing and it seems you have nothing in common anymore;
  • You recognise your patterns and dynamics but can’t seem to change them;
  • You or your partner is in love with another;
  • Lack of sex and/or desire; You long for more intimacy in your relationship;
  • Infidelity;
  • You have doubts about your relationship and are considering ending it but don't know how;
  • Relationship ambivalence – you can’t decide whether to stay or go.

Relational Ambivalence

Some couples come to therapy to unpack the question ‘should I stay or should I go?”. This is called relational ambivalence and it is a feeling that normally lives inside of one partner, but it plays out in the space between partners. The experience of relational ambivalence can be described as in internal tug of war where a person sways from ‘I’m in and I want this” to “I’m out and I don’t want this”. The relationship can feel very stuck and very uncertain, which in turn is very stressful and emotionally draining, for both partners. I help couples to navigate this uncertain territory of relational ambivalence.

Sometimes, the outcome of therapy is not by definition that a couple stays together. It can become clearer to one or both partners that there is no more future together and that it is better to end the relationship. If this is the case, I can support you in this process if desired.

Couples therapy

For whom?

Couples therapy is helpful for all couples who want to work on, explore or deepen their relationship, regardless of how long they have been together. This applies to couples who are married, unmarried, living together or separately, hetero and homosexual partners.

If you are interested in working with me,  it is helpful if you have already done some work on yourself or are in the process of doing so now. This might be through former therapy or coaching, courses you have attended. You have some awareness of your behaviours, patterns and strengths and you are curious to understanding yourself. 

Approach

My focus is helping couples to relate more consciously.  This means that each person will learn to recognise their own share of the problem/dynamic/communication style and take responsibility for this.  It also means your being open and curious to seeing and understanding how you contribute to the relationship problem.

During the sessions I observe how you interact with each other. Non-verbal behaviours are an essential part of this process, as are the underlying emotions and deep rooted patterns. Together in therapy, we explore the patterns, how they began and how you both respectively can start the process of interrupting these patterns. 

My interventions are intended to help you better connect with both yourself and with your partner. You will learn to recognise emotional triggers, how to listen to respond, versus react, and how to express what you want and need versus complain.  Plus a whole lot more!

How I work

We begin with an intake session of 75 minutes (both partners present) in which we explore your current situation, why you are here, what you would like to work on in therapy - your goals -  and your respective level of commitment to your relationship. We also look at the strengths of your relationship.  I might then suggest a subsequent individual session each, concluding with another partner session.

After this intake phase, you decide as a couple if you would like to continue with me. I, too, am better able to gauge if I can help you, and whether I am a suitable therapist for you and your situation.

The number of sessions we have depends on the nature and intensity of your relationship problem. After 4-5 sessions, we reflect together your experiences, if the therapy is helping, if it meets your expectations and what next steps are needed.

Fees and availability

I am available Monday-Thursday during daytime hours. The fee for a session and the intake is GBP 140 for 75 minutes. This includes occasional handout material and homework assignments. Payment is made in advance by online bank transfer.

I offer a free 15 minute zoom chat if you would like to meet me first or ask me any questions.